My first year of doctoral studies was all consuming. The balance was off and all my waking, and one may argue non waking, time was spent on doctoral work: Reading, writing, thinking, talking. Not to mention engaging in constant internal dialogs around self-doubt. It was truly all consuming. I remember spending weekends locked in a study room at our local library and becoming close with the local 5:00 AM coffee vendor.
My kids struggled, my marriage struggled and I am sure my friendships struggled. Talk about selfish. I was miserable. I almost quit.
However, today I am away for a fun weekend. And I see this as an initial indicator that balance is upon me. I am not locked in a library study room. I am not crying over my painful self-induced doubt. I am having fun and am NOT consumed with PhDness. OK, OK. I know. I am still working, but I am also fulfilling another important part of what makes me me: Friendship.
And you know what, I feel good. I feel good about my studies. I feel good about my projects. I feel good about my own developing research (for the first time I am conducting my own- YIKES), my own teaching, my own work with schools, and most importantly I feel good about my family and my friends. It was nice to hear this weekend that they feel the same way.
You know what else? I am reflecting. This blog is proof of that. That feels good too. I had "no time" for this last year (so I told myself anyway) and now I am making time. The 24 hour day is still the 24 hour day. Time didn't happen to me. I made time and I continue to carve time out for all that is important to me.
Balance. It's a beautiful thing!
Maybe I will finish this thing (my PhD that is) after-all: Now that's powerful.
You know, having a weekend for yourself is so important. I've been putting that aside for a long time now and I can tell that I'm stressing and a bit tired. I am still trying to achieve balance. At the end of the month (memorial day weekend) my husband and I are going to Key West for our 6th wedding anniversary. We go every year and take nothing work related with us--no laptops no nothing. It's a wonderful time--spending time with each other and exploring the island. I can't wait--counting down the days. That will be the first "real trip" we've taken since I started the PhD program in August. And I can't wait. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Amy,
ReplyDeleteThere I was, just going to say you are an excellent reflecting agent when you said it yourself! :) I believe being able to write about these inner conflicts we experience as doctoral students is what leads us to eventually find balance, as you have done! Congratulations!
PS: Somehow I came online yesterday and found I had only four posts left. I am not sure whether I deleted your post accidentally but it's gone, as well as my response to it. :( Hope you got to see my response before it came off my wall.
Patriann
HI Amy,
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you are realizing this early on in your career. I was consumed with my studies the first 3 years, that I lost a lot of important people in my life and I wish I could gain that time back again. In the grand scheme of life, this will all come together, when it is supposed to, my race to get it didnt actually accomplish anything.
Balance is good. But how would we know if we didn't occasionally become unbalanced?
ReplyDeleteGood for you for getting away this past weekend!